What if SUV Names Told the Truth?

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Ah, the SUV with the nature-y name. The “Tahoe” or the “Forrester” or the “Acadia.” Designed, in theory, to ford some pristine river.

The reality is not as glamorous. These $45,000 boats are sitting in a parking lots in front of big box stores in suburban Cleveland. Or stuck on the highway in Maryland carrying a single passenger, spewing toxins into the air.

It’s discouraging to see the auto market again headed so strongly toward SUVs — which sends pedestrian deaths soaring.

But the suggestion that an SUV is somehow “outdoorsy” is a big part of the appeal. So just for kicks, we asked our readers to come up with more — ahem — appropriate names for some of the best-selling full-size SUVs of 2019. Here’s what Streetsbloggers came up with:

Land Rover Range Rover

Land Rovers. For when you want a safari vehicle, but mainly just for commuting 35 miles on the interstate by yourself. This is one of the SUVs that, for whatever reason, seems to communicate a certain something about the driver. This version for 2020 starts at $42,000.

Best name: Mall Rover

Runner-up: Chelsea Tractor

Infinity QX80

Look at this colossus. It’s so square. So macho! It gets just 14 miles per gallon in the city.

Best name: Infinity Gas

Runner-up: Hit-and-Runner

Toyota Sequoia

It’s sad that a company coopted the name of a beautiful tree to sell this gas guzzler, which gets just 13 miles to the gallon in the city.

Best name: Toyota Rollover

Runner-up: Toyota Screentime

Nissan Armada

This boat gets just 14 miles to the gallon in the city and 19 on the highway. Good grief.

Best name: Nissan Asthmada

Runner-up: Nissan Compensator

Toyota’s FJ Cruiser

It’s like the lego version of a Hummer. This one has actually been — thankfully — discontinued. Sorry about that, cars aren’t really our thing around here. Still …

Winner: FU Guzzler

Runner Up: Pedestrian Bruiser

Thanks to everyone who submitted names! You can check out the whole thread here.

Humor can make a difference. If more people realized that their vehicle choices were the butt of everyone else’s jokes — and car manufacturers put on the defensive — perhaps we wouldn’t be in the situation we are in right now. After all, one of you who suggested calling a mega-SUV the Chevy Glacier Melter — which is funny … because it’s true!